Islam: It's no laughing matter
Can we make jokes about Muslims? I'm going to make jokes about Muslims. Here's hoping that rolling sound is of you laughing your head off and not me getting beheaded...
Let’s start with the old ones.
What do you call a Muslim with a pig on his head? Hamed. What do you call a Muslim with two pigs on his head? Mohamed. What do you call a Muslim with two pigs on his head on the dancefloor? Sheikh Mohamed.
What do you call a Muslim between two buildings? Ali.
What do you call a Muslim who isn’t out to take your job, steal your women, and bring about the destruction of western civilisation? Asif.
Okay, these are borderline racist. But then when did a Muslim have a problem with crossing borders? Boom. That’s a mic drop not another bomb going off. What? I’m Muslim, I can say this stuff. Jewish comedians are always making fun of their religion, and this wouldn’t be the first time a Muslim has stolen ideas from Jews. The Qur’an is basically a 12” brown label remix of The Torah.
I get asked a lot if I’m Muslim. There’s nothing wrong with asking, but, you know, maybe find out if I’m religious first, then ask me which religion I follow. Like if you’re after fish, and you walk into a shop and ask “have you got fresh halibut?” Check you’re not in a hardware store, you know? Don’t be like, “Ah, all you shops look the same to me.”
One question I hate is “are you Moslem?” I don’t mind if it’s an American asking that, that’s actually how they say it, Americans can’t pronounce any English word properly, but it winds me up when it’s a Brit. It’s gaslighting isn’t it, saying “Moslem”, like when you meet a guy called Mark and you want to unnerve him so you call him Mick? We actually call ourselves Musulman. You go to Bangladesh, Turkey, France, Spain—Muslims call themselves Musulman. But the white man likes to change names to suit them. “Kunta Kinte? Nah, mate. We’re going to call you Toby.” I swear white people can go to a country as vast and majestic as Bharat, and go, “Bha-what? Screw that. You’re India now”.
The white man likes to change names to suit them. “Kunta Kinte? Nah, mate. We’re going to call you Toby.” I swear white people can go to a country as vast and majestic as Bharat, and go, “Bha-what? Screw that. You’re India now”
Someone said to me the other day, a white guy you won’t be surprised to hear, he says, “Hey Shabby, why you so hung up on being Muslim? We’re all equal.” I swear, show me an artist who isn’t hung up on identity and I’ll show you a white man. Black rappers, Jewish comedians, Asian writers, gay painters, female poets, we’re all going, “Who am I? Where do I fit in? Why do they shoot me? What do I have to do to show society I’m worth it?” And the white guy’s like, “I think I’ll write a song about being a walrus”.
Any terrorists in the house tonight?
Why do so many Muslims want to be terrorists? They’re so bad at it. Notice how the ones that try to stab people get easily overpowered? It’s because you bought a bread knife! Is it because they’re cheap? They go to the bomb store and say (adopts bad Arabic accent), “The ceramic ball bearings explosive vest is how much? Oh deary me no, give me the cheaper one made with the toilet rolls.”
That terrorist in Paris who ran towards a heavily armed policeman waving a hammer—policeman has a machine gun, you’re wearing toilet rolls. You’d like that man’s confidence, wouldn’t you? All the English people in this room know what I’m talking about. When we’re overcharged in a restaurant, we say, “Oh, I’m terribly sorry to mention it, actually it’s fine, here have a five quid tip”. Wouldn’t you just love to pull out a hammer and scream. “Allahu Akbar, you bastard!”
I have to say I was surprised to hear the Rotherham grooming gang were Muslim cab drivers. Have you seen them drive? They’re always going onto the pavement crashing into people.
Thank you, good night, I’ve been Shihab. Well, until the FBI help me change my name. If you want me I’ll be hiding in Salman Rushdie’s closet.
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Fantastic. I do think people need to laugh more; at everything really.
OMG You are so brave ... and funny. Do you ever make fun of woke “philosophy”? A bit tricky because with woke you are getting into stupid white folk territory.